Sometimes we get so emotionally invested in something that we are not able to get the beyond the B.S. to see the truth. Such is the case with the relationships with our friends after we have experienced a brain injury.
Friends, the anger monster and the truth
Although the specifics of what happens to each of us as a result of brain injury can be wildly different, having our friends leave after we experience a brain injury is nearly universal. Our friends bug out on us just when we feel we need them the most, and that not only leaves us trying to figure out why they left, but it also feeds the angry monster in us that makes us feel incapable and un-worthy.
When a survivor is going through this it’s hard to be objective and see or accept the truth. Already in a weakened, dependent state, the fact that friends seem to leave confirms all our worst fears about ourselves, makes us angry and makes us blame others. We do these things because we are unable to see the situation for what it is.
What is really happening when we say our friends “leave” us?
The dynamics of a relationship might change because something happens which affects how you and your friends relate to each other. It changes what you depend on each other for, what you are capable of, and what you each are looking for in the relationship.
Add to this the idea that we may not be totally objective about what is happening; our vision clouded by anger, confusion and frustration, and you can see how hard it can be.
Looking beyond the anger…
About three years after my brain injury, a friend of mine who was hit by car experienced a TBI. Before he came back to town I thought, “How great would it be if we could hang out together, understand, and help each other?”
However, when he came back I just couldn’t communicate with him. He seemed to be on another plane, a plane similar to one I had been on a few years earlier.
What was happening made me think of my experience with my friends in college, and how I had blamed them for not being there after I came back to school. I wondered if this friend was blaming me for not being there for him?
I began to see that maybe I had partial responsibility for what had happened when I was in college.
Initially things had seemed right: they drove an hour to visit me in the hospital and visited me at my parent’s house. I guess I expected them to “magically” be there for me when I went back to school, just because they had been my friends, that’s what friends do, and they had appeared ready to accept me. Wrapped as I was in my own world, perhaps I had misjudged how hard it was for them–and because I was so focused on myself I was unable to see that my car crash may have changed their lives too.
…to see the truth
After 25 years I met up with those old college friends and we spoke the truth about what had occurred, something we couldn’t do way back when. We talked about what had happened and how hard it was for all of us.
I realized that at the time there was nothing any of us could do about the situation. We all had to go through our “stuff”, and that was the truth, whether or not I wanted to hear it. Even though I didn’t see it then, we were all living our lives the best we could. They just didn’t know how to connect with me, and I didn’t know what to do about it.
Understanding and acknowledging the truth about what had happened freed me from the chains I had wrapped around me. I now knew for sure that it was not my fault, and there was nothing wrong with me. I also saw it wasn’t their fault, and I was finally able to come to terms with that.
This was powerful for me…life changing. It allowed me to move forward, powerfully, with my life, without the anger and the self-doubt. I saw how all the anger I had carried around with me had affected how I lived my life, and was able to move on with that great weight off my shoulders.
Thanks, Jeff
Thank you Jeff, I am the mother of a TBI survivor. Curiously, my son does not have these feelings towards friendships, that all disappeared after the accident. However, I do have them. I hurts me to see him without the support of the peers around him, and it evokes fear and uncertainty in me regarding his future. After four years of a magnificent recovery in which he had beaten all of the odds, learned to walk, learned to eat, learned to read, and is now a successful college student. It seems as though the only situation that hasn’t improved is that one. This is what causes me a sadness that I don’t know how to fix.
Thank you Jeff! great article! The sadest part of my brain aneurysm was the loss of my job, friends and my husband of 27 years. My daughter also deserted me since. Being a very caring person myself I just can’t understand how this could happen to me. All my life I “did” for others and made shure they are well and taken care off…….I gratefull to have my faith and animals that keep me going….they don’t discrminate
I know exactly how you feel. My husband passed away, I wanted to help my kids. They are hitting 40 , both are a couple of ME ME’s. Very ungrateful. I need to get rid I& so much stuff, I am so overwhelmed I have no idea where to start then I think of giving things to my kids, they don’t want it. So now I have a big thought of getting rid of stuff
Such an important view of the effects of our tbi. We cannot see our limitations early on. My children were my mirror to my deficits due to others not being able to express the truth , maybe because of being uncomfortable.
I lost friends, due to changes in moving, finances (unable to afford going places), and mostly, due to the changes in myself like fatigue, attention, and loss of filter in conversations. I also made changes in choosing healthier friendships regarding some relatives. So, it’s losing friends, choosing healthy, supportive individuals into our new lives and our deficits that can bring the changes forward. Some friends that walked away may come around as time goes on. I believe the public awareness of tbi is helping others understand the difficulties we all experience, in different ways, in our lives.
Jeff, keep your thoughts coming. You ARE an inspiration, as I’d like to be one day! I’ve learned a lot about people in my life since my TBI in 2006 the day my daughter was born. She turned 10 years old on 3-26-16!
People in general, I’ve learned, do NOT know what we go through every day & how challenging it can be. I not only survived a TBI, but am also making incredible improvements with my temporary, partial physical disability. 99% of the people I’ve ever met in life take EVERYTHING for granted. I’ve had to learn HOW to walk, talk, and tie my shoelaces properly again. I’m reading many of the replies to your posts & can agree with many of them.
I had an accident at work.
I was thought that happened because of my mistakes.
I am still doing that sometimes, but I know it was not my fault.
I can not understand how the owner had lied to report…
I can not understand how the insurer did not follow the doctor’s order, manipulate their reports, and hired doctors for their point of view.
I can not understand how the doctors hired by the carrier could make me as a faking patient.
I know I have to get rid of those thoughts, but it is really really hard.
I am struggling for basic life as a human.
I know, I know that I cannot stuck with them and have to stand up for me
Because I am living this life and I am the owner of my life.
Thanks..
My brother came out of his coma and has an obsession over his girlfriend. We don’t think he remembers what they did the few years they were together. Though when he woke up he was told this is xxxx your girlfriend. All he talks about is her..continuously all day. He even calls her 25 times a day. If you tell him to stop calling he says he didn’t..due to his short term memory loss. His girlfriend is still coming around though slowing down. We figure after his next surgery she will disappear. I have no clue on how to handle when she does disappear. Also, he is driving us all crazy talking about her all the time..any way to stop him?
Ilene, That is a really tough situation, and I have no idea how I would go about handling it. Sorry. The only thing I can add is this: thinking back to when I woke, I was reaching and grasping for anything that made sense and made me feel better about myself. Knowing I had a girlfriend would have given me hope for the future and would have helped me accept my present situation a little better. I guess you are dealing with a slightly similar situation and it is really tough. I would be honest and collaborate with her so no one is blindsided. That way she can be part of the solution. They must have professionals in the hospital who can help.
Good luck.
thank you to all who posted. I have a tbi one or two concussions since then. and I find parts of myself in the writers sharing.
my other conditions are diabetes,chronic vertigo,arthritus,, good for me,I did not lose mysense of humor.
the other day I put the dried cranberries in the freezer and seeds and nuts in the fridge. I don’t know why
nor do I have any memory of the event. I feel awkward when I get off the couch and forget what I wanted
and have to sit down again.i am 75 years old now and parts of my memory are gone which is a good thing
I am grateful to those who post I too, have those who were fairweather friends.39 and 40 years,but when I was damaged they drifted away. I only give of myself(love) to those who return it. my wife,my daughter and
my 16 year old grandson.all accept me as I am despite some curious mannerisms. bless you all and I will
look forward to reading your posts dennis walker